when naps were a daily thing...

i feel like i am back in preschool and there being one single tattle tale in the class. this one person, usually a girl, didn't get her way at some point so then she decides to stick her nose in every single situation in that classroom and find even the smallest thing to blow out of proportion...this tattle tale will over-hear something, put her own twist on it, and then go tell someone else about it so that the other person gets in trouble and the tattle tale looks like she was doing the right thing. the tattle tale usually thinks that she is great, and at one time-she was-until one day when she didn't get that toy she wanted or the attention that she wanted, or maybe she didn't get invited to something-there was some time where she wasn't the "it" girl anymore and her classmates realize this after that little bit of break, and now they do not appreciate her being this tattle tale...on wait, im not in preschool anymore-so what am i thinking...

i'm so exicted...

so i finally have my new computer up and running. it's freakin amazing-i love it already! drew is going to steal it tomorrow so that he can put frontpage, and photoshop on it as well as reloading all my stuff off my old computer that he saved on my flash drive.

i have to get used to everything on here and the new operating system but the more i use it the better it gets!!

oh and there is a camera on here...

and this is what i am doing at 1:30 in the morning...

i'm so excited...and i just can't hide it...you know!

movie marathon...

so i have been bored out of my mind this weekend...amanda went home, tootie has been at work...drew has been packing his apartment to move...i don't have any money, i'm not supposed to be driving, so i have been stuck at the house by myself. so i have been watching movies-all weekend....

my marathon of multiples began with the

Free Willy movies...

then came the High School Musical movies...

and next i believe it will be another Mighty Ducks marathon...

what if...

so sometimes i wonder what life would be like if one thing was different...

-what if i wasn't perfectly happy with a certain guy...
-what if i had not gone to lambuth...
-what if i had not gotten into the same group as another certain someone...
-what if i didn't respect myself...
-what if i just went with the crowd, oh wait i would have to get invited first and that doesn't happen...
-what if i just took the easy way out...
-what if i let my beliefs fly out the window, along with my morals...
-what if i didn't push myself to become something better...
-what if i ignored the help that people offered me...
-what if i cared about what other people thought of me, and tried anything and everything to be accepted...
-what if i was one of the girls that gets invited to things, like birthday parties...
-what if i was willing to sell myself short...
-what if...
-What If...
-WHAT IF...

i sit here, in my bed, on my roomate's computer, by myself on a saturday night...part of me likes being here by myself and then another part of me is quite jealous and almost angry about what others are doing tonight. for some it's a once in a while event and that's ok with me, while others are doing nothing new...the same old thing. for so many years i have tried to be a good example, i have tried to stand up for myself, i have tried to protect those certain people who apparently don't care...i want to be accepted, i want to be invited-but not just because someone feels bad, or out of pity, i want to be invited because soemone wants me to be there to hang out...just because i have a steady relationship doesn't mean that i wouldn't enjoy hanging out with the girls. i don't enjoy getting drunk, but sometimes i do enjoy a drink or two...sometimes i just absolutly hate being around certain people...i hate the person they become, i hate how they seem to manipulate others in their own favor, i hate how sometimes it seems as though they can't stand on their own two feet-and sometimes that literally...sometimes i think what would have happened if i hadn't made the descision 3 1/2 years ago at camp, sometimes i wonder what would happen if i had decided not to go greek, sometimes i wonder what would have happened, or where i would be at right now if i had not goto lambuth...sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just did things for the hell of it without thinking of what could happen...sometimes i just want to let my hair down, and be a college student...sometimes all i want is to be invited and i just don't understand why that can't happen...then i just think about how much i have accomplished, how trusted i am, how bright my future is and in the end these things are more important and i know that those are more important, those are what counts-however i am a college student, i would like to have some of these "life changing experiences"...

what's in a name...

so im watching the miss america pagent.
and these are some of the girls names i like...

Sadie
Kylie
Makenna

i cried because...

so i cried today...
i cried at physical therapy when andy was forcing my knee to bend, he had me lay on my stomach and bend my knee while he rocked it towards my back-stretching the extremly tight things in there...it hurt so bad.
then i cried on my way home...
my knee hurt so bad and im so scared that it won't be where it needs to be by the summer...that made me cry.
then i cried when people kept calling me and interupting my pain pill induced sleep...
today just hasn't been a good day, then my card was declined at dinner for some reason...

but hopefully i will be able to find another pair of sweat pants at old navy for cheap so that i don't ruin any more jeans because of this freakin brace...

my new baby

so my computer's motherboard decided to stop working...boo!





so this is my new computer that is on it's way to me via bestbuy.com...


it's a dell...with soem fancy language that i don't understand but it's much nicer than my old one, so im excited, i just have to wait for it to get here and then take it to best buy to get the protection things and then get drew to put all my stuff on it...

wishing

i wish i could travel for a semester like so many of my friends...

allison went to rome
katy b went to italy
jennie dickerson is in spain
katie strick went to australia
phillip went to england
aimee went somewhere over there...

and i know that lambuth has a travel abroad program...but it's nothing fun and new and exciting...

i just wish i could go spend a semester and still graduate on time...but i know that aint gonna happen...but hey, a girl can wish can't she?

this is what i want...

This is where i want to spend the summer of 2008...

after this weekend at this sacred place my thoughts on why i want to go back for a 3rd summer became even clearer...troy encouraged me to strive to do something that would challenge me...to not settle for my comfort zone...push myself...be open to challenges...my thoughts are torn between two positions and if the interview team will trust that i can do one of them without being burnt out...for the longest time i said that i wouldn't go back as PUF...that i had enough and that i wanted ropes. for the past semester i have had my sights set on ropes, i have helped and become more comfortable up on the challenge course. i was starting to be ok with not being PUF again and was starting to be ok with the thought of watching someone else do "my job"...and then i go up to camp...i catch wind that camp has been given the money to buy a new mule for the puf to use instead of little red...i loved my two summers as puf...as much as i did not feel appreciated, as much pain i was in, as tired as i was...i loved my job. i feel like that i can handle it for another summer, i feel like i have more to give as puf...Danielle said something during orientation about "not having anything left to give..." and that is a feeling that i want to have, it's the way i want to be on staff, i want to let everything go, give each and every camper everything i have each week...i want to be the staff member that does her job and does it well as well as being able to make connections with a whole bunch of campers...i know that if i am PUF again i will face challenges each and everyday...after talking with troy this past weekend i can almost hear a question from the interview team...and that question is something along the lines of "well if you get puf again will there be any challenges, what will be new and exciting about that job"...it only takes seconds for me to begin to think of reasons...some of them being--working with a new set of staffers who, for the most part, will be younger than me, also pushing myself will be another new challenge, pushing myself harder than i ever have pushed myself before-all for the campers, finding a new way to be a better PUF, finding new ways to interact with my peers and more importantly...finding a new and more effective way of impacting campers...all i can hope is that the interview team can understand that i don't just want PUF so that i can stay in my comfort zone, or so that i won't challenge myself...but for the exact opposite, so that i can push myself harder than i ever have before, to challenge myself more than i ever have before and i believe that if they can understand that and believe in me then i will be placed in the right position for me for this summer...

all i can do is to believe in myself and let go and let God!

let go and let God!

being in college is getting old, dealing with drama is getting old, having teachers read word-for-word the syllabi's for the class is getting old, buying textbooks is getting old, everything right now just seems to be getting old. i miss church, i miss being at home, i miss freedom of getting to drive my own car, i miss getting up and down stairs with ease, i miss actually getting to see drew for more than 45 min at a time, i miss my youth, i miss the paycheck, i miss my work study, i miss my dogs, but more importantly i miss peace...

the past few days has made my emotions go crazy-i have been incredibly happy, then very sad, to boiling mad, to frustrated, to disappointed, to upset, then back to disappointed, to content, to entertained--the whole gamet of emotions i have gone through in the past few days. i really hope that a few certain people read this blog and understand where i am coming from. there comes a time where things just start to make sense-things tend to fall into place, priorities get a little easier to see and understand and i only think this comes from experiences, from having to go through all the above mentioned emotions learning something and growing from them. i know that the drama, the problems are always going to be there-as a teacher i will see it and be in the middle of it on a regular basis but as i do get a little older i realize that you just have to "grow up, make a friend, and get a life" you have to "let go and let God" and my favorite "you have to be a duck and let all of it role off your back"...dealing with all of the things that have happened in the last few days has made me realize this even more-every one is different, people will not react to different situations in their own way and both parties must learn to not try to fix everything, must learn not to control every issue and thing that comes up, each person on both sides of the issue must understand that the most important thing is to take care of yourself first then then focus on doing your job-and only your job...then in a situation where someone else needs help, help out-don't control...

i feel like i am up on a soapbox and i don't want to be...i just feel like all the advice my mother has given me over the past few years is actually working, she really does know best, my mom knew what she was talking about when i was so frustrated in high school and even the past 3 years of college...i never thought i would say that, i always thought that she was just saying these things to make me feel better, to make me respect her, to make me think highly of her, to make me forget about what i was originally angry about....but as the phrase says, hindsight is 20/20...and that is so true!!!

my only hope, my only prayer, my only wish is that someone else, some certain people can understand this, can understand where to draw the line and not cross it...

1st day of classes...

friday...why start classes on a friday, why not wait until monday and start classes? when i saw the calendar and that we start classes today i was really confused and still am as i get ready to walk across campus and goto my 1 class that i have today.

so off i go, starting my 6th semester here at lambuth, hopefully this semester is a good one!

good luck everyone on this semester!

an addiction i have...

so for my birthday drew got me a vera bradley duffle bag-which i loved but didn't need. so i talked to him and he was ok with me exchanging it so im hoping that davis kidd here in memphis will let me exchange it and if they do then this is the tote im going to get...changing up my pattern a little bit but i like this tote in this fabric better than mine.

i need a new one of these...my other one is starting to ware thin...

this is one of the new january patterns and i really

like it on the computer but not sure if i would like it in person...

too late

this is so freakin cute...i want it but i didn't ask santa clause in time...

lazy days...

so today has been a long day...church this morning, lunch and football, nap, figuring out dinner plans with mom, watching american gladiators, cleaning my room...and as i think back to church this morning i realize how much i really do like our new preacher and i almost wish i could drive home every sunday to hear him...and i think when my knee gets to where i can drive-and drive all the way home-i might actually come home to goto church. i also like the idea of being back at home for Sunday morning cause i know i will be the only "college kid" home at church and maybe that would allow for a better church "experience" i know that sounds horrible but today in church i felt like we were sitting in front of the peanut gallery. i don't want to sound like i am better than anyone else because i am not and it's my fault for letting it get in the way of my worship time with God but when it gets to the point that it was today its just so frustrating. i understand that there's always going to be a time where you just need to whisper a comment or question but when it gets to a certain point its time to write it down or wait until after church...come on people we're in college, you have been raised in a church...you should know how to and how not to act during church. i admit i made a few comments to drew today, but i don't feel that they disrupted my time with God, or anyone around me...the comments were between drew and i, not the entire group around us. its the whole thing of respect that bothers me, i hate it when people don't respect themselves, or don't respect others, or even worse, don't respect God...it just bothers me. yet again i know that i am not perfect, nor am i even near that in any way...i just feel that it's not rocket science, especially when you have grown up in a church setting where you should at least know how to act even if you don't intend to get anything out of it...i know people aren't perfect, i know there is always going to be that time where it's just necessary to make a comment or what not but don't do it to the point where it disturbs the people around you, it's like a movie when you turn your cell phone off and you don't talk, or a play...it's church people, come on...

and on a side note...if you don't know, coach cal (u of m bball coach) goes to my church and as i lie in bed and watch the news they just did an interview with him and it's so cool to be able to see someone who is known nation wide, with a job like his in church with his family and there because he wants to be, he could be at one of the huge methodist churches in town but instead he is at mullins with his family like a normal husband and father...

all i want to do...

all i want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep...

this knee surgery, my third, has been the worst post-op. one reason it's worst is that i have stitches...in my last two there was no need, just the skin glue stuff. another reason is that the pain is just horrible at times and i can't get into a comfortable position to save my life. drew was down here a few days ago and i rode with him to go pick up lunch and by the time we got back-we were gone no more than 25 min, i was in so much pain and apparently i had my brace to tight but i had it tight so it wouldn't slide down but apparently i can't do that...