what if...

so sometimes i wonder what life would be like if one thing was different...

-what if i wasn't perfectly happy with a certain guy...
-what if i had not gone to lambuth...
-what if i had not gotten into the same group as another certain someone...
-what if i didn't respect myself...
-what if i just went with the crowd, oh wait i would have to get invited first and that doesn't happen...
-what if i just took the easy way out...
-what if i let my beliefs fly out the window, along with my morals...
-what if i didn't push myself to become something better...
-what if i ignored the help that people offered me...
-what if i cared about what other people thought of me, and tried anything and everything to be accepted...
-what if i was one of the girls that gets invited to things, like birthday parties...
-what if i was willing to sell myself short...
-what if...
-What If...
-WHAT IF...

i sit here, in my bed, on my roomate's computer, by myself on a saturday night...part of me likes being here by myself and then another part of me is quite jealous and almost angry about what others are doing tonight. for some it's a once in a while event and that's ok with me, while others are doing nothing new...the same old thing. for so many years i have tried to be a good example, i have tried to stand up for myself, i have tried to protect those certain people who apparently don't care...i want to be accepted, i want to be invited-but not just because someone feels bad, or out of pity, i want to be invited because soemone wants me to be there to hang out...just because i have a steady relationship doesn't mean that i wouldn't enjoy hanging out with the girls. i don't enjoy getting drunk, but sometimes i do enjoy a drink or two...sometimes i just absolutly hate being around certain people...i hate the person they become, i hate how they seem to manipulate others in their own favor, i hate how sometimes it seems as though they can't stand on their own two feet-and sometimes that literally...sometimes i think what would have happened if i hadn't made the descision 3 1/2 years ago at camp, sometimes i wonder what would happen if i had decided not to go greek, sometimes i wonder what would have happened, or where i would be at right now if i had not goto lambuth...sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just did things for the hell of it without thinking of what could happen...sometimes i just want to let my hair down, and be a college student...sometimes all i want is to be invited and i just don't understand why that can't happen...then i just think about how much i have accomplished, how trusted i am, how bright my future is and in the end these things are more important and i know that those are more important, those are what counts-however i am a college student, i would like to have some of these "life changing experiences"...